::::::::: Its My LifE :::::::::

i am writing this post as i watch "notting hill" (one of my favourite movie) for the umpteenth time.........this is because i am going home to spend some precious time with my family, so will be away for quite some time.....

home is a place i never wanted to leave in the first place, i love my home........i love to curl up in my bed as papa reads the morning paper and mumma is busy preparing breakfast, i love to have morning tea with my parents discussing great stuff all the time, i love to water my beautiful garden, i love to sit alone on the rocking chair and listen to songs for hours, i love ghar ka khana, i love to have dinner at the table with mumma pampering me all the time, i love to attend the daily puja......
i think we all are children at heart no matter how old we become, we just try to hide behind masks.......acting to be matured and potraying thinks which the society wants us to be and do...........

anyways meet u people after some time :))

i sometimes have these thoughts that probably i really am from.......... jupiter or that i am born in a wrong era or probably in the wrong place.........this is not a thought that has suddenly crept in my mind but is the result of years of observation........let me give u some examples:

--i hate it when people pronounce my name in some other form, other than the way it should be pronounced and once ended up giving a 30min. tution to one of my dads foreign friends, u should have looked at his face at the dinner table.........i overheard him telling my dad that he has a difficult child

--i want the table of any restaurant i visit, set to perfection........and when that does not happen i sort of make the life of the person waiting on me quite difficult, i beleive that things should be the way they are supposed to be

--i am a perfectionist when it comes to arranging my room, i set things in the way i like and even one change catches my attention and i can go to any levels trying to figure out who messed my things.

--i want to help everyone i see who is in need and i know it is not possible, my friends find it difficult to hold me back from going into full time social service

----i love to read my morning paper crisp and taaza, if someone reads it before me i never read it, so i used to purchase my personal copy which my roomy made it a point to read it everyday before me and tarnish the freshness of the paper, this irritated me so much that i stopped taking the paper

--i cannot sit with a person who i know has bad-mouthed me or who has worked against me, my face being my worst enemy just reveals everything without me having to do much

--i feel confused when i am with people i know bitch about each other behind the other persons back, but when they are together they behave as though they are the best of friends..........where the hell do they get those masks from, in which market???

-- i suffer from extreme mood swing disorder, it ranges from..........smiling at everyone, acknowledging only friends, staying completely mum, totally lost.........there are many other phases which i am unable to identify

--i cant tolerate peolpe who keep bragging about themselves, i just want to shout out aloud, "just shut up, i know you are lying", and it really makes me sick in the stomach to keep faking that plastic smile

--i hate big parties or those family get-togethers where all the aunties smear themselves in tons of make-up, desperately trying to look young and keep repeating the same dialogue, "aare kitni badi ho gayi hai, bachpan me to....", and all the uncles dressed in those suits and ties who just discuss business and more business as if nothing else exists in this world worth talking about

--i hate my doc. when he gives me one of those looks.........u know i know it all, and now i am going to give you some more bad news...........he makes me feel more sick each time i visit him.

--i feel lost in a crowd, stupid but true, i just loose my way and the moment i reach i start figuring out the best workable excuse to get out of there

--i cant wear unironed, dirty clothes and cant share my clothes with anyone else other than my di, nor do i borrow from others..........despite whatever others might think, just cant help it

now this list can go on and on.........

my guru always says that being successful is not only about knowing your strengths and working with them, rather its about knowing your weakness and trying to improve on it because thats what pulls down a person.

i think i understand him, but being who i am its really difficult, though i am working on it........i think i need to be sent to jupiter for some corrections if thats where the problem is, or probably back in the past if they can accept people like me in any era.............warna aagar koi raasta nahi nikla to bus :"jina hi zindagi hai jeete hi jaa rahain hain"..............aap logon ko parashan karne ke liye hume afsoos hai, its a major technical snag-------

am writing after a few days bacause a few things kind of kept me busy

--today played the finals of the volleyball match and won......felt just great to play after a long time and that too when i played pretty well.........i am actually obsessed with the game and whenever have time play it in my mind, just feels great to do it in real life.

--last week played badminton after years and that too in a tournament without any prior practice..........and then what happened was muscle giraftar, couldnt move an inch without pain.........waise kind of maaza aaya, u know playing after such a long time and that too with a close buddy.


--had gone for a treat thrown by my fin. friend sodhi........it was cake cake everywhere and we had to eat it all...........really relished it...........dost logon if u r getting a cake on my b'day make sure its a big, chocolate one, i'd rather prefer the same one.

--tried to study for 3 internal tests i had today, failed miserably trying to do so, though had got up early and tried to do some reading but afsoos dimag ki batti bandh ho gayi hai, once again had to take the help of outsourcing, i have totally given up..........ab tabhi parenge jab dimag jug jaayega. and

moreover with the registrar breathing down my throat about less attendance and not letting me sit for the exam its really difficult to concentrate.

--am desperately trying to upload some photographs but the net speed has lately become pathetic, but i am still not giving up.

--and i dont know if i mentioned it earlier but my friend rajesh gave us a placement treat at my favourite tandoori darbar.........but i missed out on the mutton biryani that day........umeed hai agli baar zaroor.....

for the past few months my friends and i have been in a party mood and never fail to celebrate any occassion, today being rajesh giving his placement treat.

so far we have visited some of the good places in kolkata..........botanical garden, national library, birla museum, indian museum & birla temple, though we r deciding on going to the other places too like victoria memorial and the baggi ride, dakhineshwar temple, science city, nicco park, etc.

we have also seen a couple of good movies together and enjoyed dominos pizza at new empire immensly though the fast-food stall adjacent to it gave us a really bad deal for our money, but thats fine, u always gain some and loose some.

our favourite place for eating is tandoori darbar in hazra, not only is the food good but the people who wait on you are also nice, unlike lazeez which has turned more into a bar from the family restaurant it once was. though i want to go to pizza hut once, i have been there many times before but never with my friends.........lets see.

somewhere down the line i feel this urgency to visit all the places in kolkata, because who knows "kal ho na ho", and especially since i will be joining office soon and after working 72hrs. a week i dont think i will be left with the energy to even move a bone and above all since my parents are not too keen on my staying in kolkata any longer than required as i have been sick since the first day i stepped foot in this city.......

but the future being so unpredictable all i want to do now is party hard, visit all the discs, watch all the movies and spend time with my friends.

well this is not a great post to celebrate my silver anniversary of postings, yet the most imp. so far........

this is something regarding my recent behaviour, its just that my face as always is betraying me, but its a request...........it would be nice if you all could leave me in the state i am in right now and just forget about me if possible because i dont want to spoil your day also by being with me...........and plz. dont ask me to explain anything because i never will, its just too close to my heart and too personal

i wanted to write about it, i even made a draft..........i planned to change the settings and change the blog address and name, because i feel that if i dont talk about it, its just gonna blow my head off...........but then it would be like running away a bit too far, probably some day when things r different, when i am different i will...........

na jaane kaon sa toofan chipa liya humne dil mein
na jaane kaon sa dard daba liya humne jigar mein
laboon pur haasi liye phirte hum galiyon mein
Magar dil rota to hai.......

hum tumse kabhi kuch keh na paaye
na tum kabhi yeh samajh paaye
hum miltein hain bicherte hain
hooton pur haasi rahti hai hur waqt
Magar dil rota to hai........

log aatein hain jaatein hai
pur najaane kyon yeh gaamon ki chaaya
bus thaher si gaayi hai
kuch kabhi nazar to nahi aata
Magar dil rota to hai.......

aur kabhi mano yeh aason
chalakna chaahtein hain aankhon se
rook letein hain hum unhe aapne andar
dard bhar jaata hai sine mein
log samjhtein hain, kuch nahi
hum dard ko haasi mein ura deetein hain
Magar dil rota to hai.....

jeeven ke is safar mein
mein bus phasti hi jaa rahi hun samay ke naa jaane kis mayajaal mein
waqt badal gaya hai
saath main bhi badal gaayein hun
kaaise samjhaaon ki arth anaarth ho gaya hai
laboon pur haasi liye phirte hum galiyon mein
Magar dil rota to hai.....

Last evening my Bhaiya had come to give me a really short visit, so despite not feeling too well i had put up a brave face and went out to have dinner and bid Bhaiya good-bye.

By the time i came back to my room i was already running a high temperature so decided to take some medication and go to sleep..................i suddenly woke up at around 2 in the morning, my heart was pounding so fast it seemed it would leap out of my body, i was fully covered in sweat and above all, their was this dog cyring just under my window. A perfect mix of a terrifying night.

I dont know whether it was the medication playing games with my mind or was it something else, but i kept drifting into sleep and then kept getting up, nightmares so frightening that evertime i got up with a jerk, dripping in sweat...................my window has the view of a beautiful tree outside with its branches nearly touching my window, and being a windy night the rattling of the leaves were also adding their affect to the already tense situation................i kept chanting the Hanuman Chalisa in my mind................

Then finally in the early hours of the morning i drifted into deep sleep getting up at around 9am. I was discussing the nights experience with my room-mate when she told me that she also had many night-mares the same night, was it a coincidence.............. well what can i say, i just have to make myself believe that the mind sometimes plays such games with us for no reason at all.

A couple of days back there was a bomb blast in Varanasi, India..........and i did not know about it till today, it was just one of those days when you are so busy with yourself it leaves no time at all for the other things in life.

But what surprised me was that no one ever talked about it, i have met so many friends during the past few days but no one thought that it was a topic worth discussing, the 16 lives which were lost that day in one of the most influential and religious towns of India had no meaning for people around me. It has become just another incident, like the so many others that happen in countries like ours.

It all was just a news article to read and then cast away as if it never happened. Pity what a state our country and its people have come to. We all live in our secured cocoons and things only matter when it hurts us, then only we stop and notice, shame, pure shame. Todays newspaper had a photograph of the temple where the daily puja goes on as if nothing ever happened, no one even remembers it seems..................

Juggling these thoughts in my mind, a positive approach would be that..........its nice that people are facing troubles with such immence courage and not putting their arms down in front of the terrorists, but then something also tells me that the above is just something we say to feel good and overlook the writing on the wall...........that no one has the time for anyone, people are so busy in their own world that they fail to stop and take notice, fail to emphatise any longer, fail to even hold a minutes peace for those who died a wrong death, people who could have had happier and beautiful lives had they not been there on that fateful day...........only if.

Or we have got immuned to facing trouble, immuned to death, immuned to political negligence, immuned to so many more things. Only if it had been an imp. man who had died on that fateful day.............things would have been so different..........everyone would have talked about it for days, there would be peace processions, immediate action taken on the identified terrorist group, large compensation packages announced, one minutes silence in the parliament, the high officials suspended or transferred.............. only IF.

But then what the hell whats there to be so senti about................doesn't Life Go On and On.

Always take time for yourself, at least 30 minutes per day.

Be aware of your own stress meter: Know when to step back and cool down.

Concentrate on controlling your own situation, without controlling everybody else.

Daily exercise burns off the stress chemicals.

Eat lots of fresh fruit, veggies, bread and water; give your body the best for it to perform at its best.

Forgive others, don't hold grudges and be tolerant -- not everyone is ascapable as you.

Gain perspective on things, how important is the issue?

Hugs, kisses and laughter: Have fun and don't be afraid to share your feelings with others.

Identify stressors and plan to deal with them better next time.

Judge your own performance realistically; don't set goals out of your own
reach.

Keep a positive attitude, your outlook will influence outcomes and the way others treat you.

Limit alcohol, drugs and other stimulants, they affect your perception and behaviour.

Manage money well, seek advice and save at least 10 per cent of what you earn.

No is a word you need to learn to use without feeling guilty.

Outdoor activities by you, or with friends and family, can be a great way to relax.

Play your favourite music rather than watching television.

Quit smoking: It is stressing your body daily, not to mention killing you too.

Relationships: Nurture and enjoy them, learn to listen more and talk less.

Sleep well, with a firm mattress and a supportive pillow; don't over heat yourself and allow plenty of ventilation.

Treat yourself once a week with a massage, dinner out, the movies: Moderation is the key.

Understand things from the other person's point of view.

Verify information from the source before exploding.

Worry less; it really does not get things completed better or quicker.

Xpress: Make a regular retreat to your favourite space, make holidays part of your yearly plan and budget.

Yearly goal setting: Plan what you want to achieve based on your priorities in your career, relationships, etc

Zest for life: Each day is a gift, smile and be thankful that you are apart of the bigger picture.

Wings.............. by Anthony West

If I had wings to fly
I'd breathe in deep
and spread them wide
as I leap from the cliff
into the wind where the gulls glide.

Crossing this wide sea
I glide above cruel waves
that reach up to drown my flight
intheir cold deep
blue-green graves.

And as your day grows slowly light
I'd arrive on worn-out wings
to hold you in your waking dreams
and feel you soft and gently warm
in my embrace at last.

Finally........

I went to PP and asked what the hell was wrong with her, she had been acting very wierd for the past week and a half, stuff like ignoring, walking past without any reaction and on purpose not sharing the same table with me................really immature and childish behaviour...............

anyways she said that she got hurt by something i told her last sunday, well it was a complete surprise for me as i was simply kidding and had no ulteroir motives while speaking...............i think if you r someones friend then you should be frank enough to tell the other person that u r mad at her because of something she said or did..........

i hope now my other friends will be pleased with me that i have finally broken the ice, swallowing my ego in the process as i still know that i was just joking, and now we can all hang out together like before........

but i really did not like the way events followed and will surely think a hundred times before joking with someone, cause i do not want a similar repetition too soon in the near future.

I didn't do anything!" "It's not my fault!" "Say you're sorry!"

Sound familiar? If so, you are like a lot of people who sometimes argue with their friends and family members. Let's face it - it's not always easy to get along with sisters and brothers, parents, and friends. People aren't perfect, and they sometimes do things that get them into trouble. Saying "I'm sorry" can help.

Saying you're sorry is called apologizing. When you apologize, you're telling someone that you're sorry for the hurt you caused, even if you didn't do it on purpose. People who are apologizing might also say that they will try to do better. They might promise to fix or replace what was broken or take back a mean thing they said.

How Does It Make You Feel?When you apologize to someone - and really mean it - it's because you have stopped to think about how the person may have felt because of what you did or said. When you stop to think about the other person's feelings, you begin to feel sorry for your behavior. You might even feel embarrassed or ashamed if you did something that you knew was wrong.

Even if what happened was an accident or you did something you didn't mean to do, you would probably still feel sorry if you knew the other person's feelings were hurt.

After apologizing, you might feel a little better (the other person probably will, too). When you apologize in a caring way, you can feel good because you are trying to make things right again.

What Does An Apology Sound Like?There are many ways to apologize.

When you apologize to someone, they might apologize back to you. They might say, "That's OK, I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have teased you." And then maybe you can both feel friendly again.

(http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/sorry.html)

The past week since I returned from home has not really been very pleasant, especially when you come to think of it in depth

.*I missed on a very important lecture because I was informed that its from 2pm but it actually was at 9:30am, moreover the professor gave me a piece of his mind later on, that I was no longer serious and was not concentrating on my studies.

*I could not get angry on the above issue because the mis-communication was with my close friend, but I was really p****d off.

*Moreover batch mates who saw me during the lecture-break did not bother to at least ask me that why am I not in class, despite the fact I never miss any lecture

*Was really hurt seeing the behaviors of people, how can one afford to be so selfish and self-centered, its really difficult for me to digest.

*Then I had an ego-clash with a once close friend, I just jokingly told her that I was just behaving the way she does,……….and then the way she reacted was stupid and not at all mature, the next morning when we met on the corridor I as usual gave her a smile and told her hi!, but she went by without replying and has not spoken to me since, she chooses to hang around with other people and never shares the same table with me……………So how do I react?????………well I have chosen to let things be the way she likes it, and if she doesn’t want to speak or hang around with me that’s fine with me…………..as it is I have a lot of other good friends to hang around with.

*The office joining has been postponed, hope it is further delayed, somehow I don’t fancy myself going to office and then studying all night………….i don’t think I can take that much of pressure.

And then there were some really funny and good experiences.

* My friend called me and another friend to her home, we were supposed to meet her at Rashbehari crossing, we waited there for an hour, while all the time she was waiting for us just a block away…………what helped most was the fact that she does not believe in carrying her handset along, so we just waited and kept ringing her mobile which always gave the message switched off……….we laughed our heart out all the way to the college, more so because we were really tired after a long afternoon at college-street, purchasing and bargaining on books , and then the long wait………especially when you are expecting an ice-cream treat waiting for you at the hosts home.

*Had nice adda sessions at the café after dinner with friends, discussing a lot of silly issues and then laughing out loud recounting old memories.

*Celebrated a Sunday on Wednesday as the only lecture of the day was cancelled, so had a nice 3 hours siesta in the afternoon…………it was just great.

*And then we had mutton biryani night on Wednesday, its become really difficult for us to have good food outside as chicken and eggs are now out of menu because of the bird-flu scare………..sad, really sad since my friend had promised me a tandoori chicken treat.

*And then tonight we had dinner at the college café, shared quite a few things, but didn’t get to know rkr’s secret, he protects it with Z+ security………….on the whole a good evening spent with really good friends…………but a couple of them were missing, hope to get even with them tomorrow.